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I have had the opportunity to do a lot of study around the subject of counseling inside the Church. I believe there is an effective way to counsel and a means of providing counsel that causes victim thinking to rise up and take over. Unfortunately, too many of us have been trained and impacted by godly counsel that has done little when it comes to substantive change in who we are. It is when we come into situations where we are faced with counsel from people that I am seeing as being unsafe that trouble is bound to happen.
When I classify those giving some counsel as being unsafe, I'm in no way accusing them of wrong doing. I have been an unsafe person in way too many situations where I was providing counsel for those having difficulties in their life. I pray that the fact that I was unsafe didn't contribute to the world's ability to make victimization happen in the lives of those I had the honor to counsel in the past.
What makes a person unsafe when we are put in positions of offering counsel to others? I believe it is when we aren't fully aware of what is going on inside of us that our safety in any given situation can come into question. It is when we are driven by personal motives to offer counsel of any type that our ability to be objective can quickly go out the window. When it does, we become just as unsafe, in many ways, as the worst victimizer in the world today.
I know that last statement is kind of harsh, but it is true. When people come to others for counsel, it is usually as a result of things not working out quite the way they wanted. Just the very fact things are so far down that one person would risk opening up to another with all this is going on is a sign that things must be pretty rough. In that vulnerable state, the down and out person needs counsel that comes from a place of objectivity. That only happens when the one giving counsel is fully aware of their own shortfalls and feelings. We become unsafe when we give advice based on motives we might have, even good motives that come from teachings straight from the Bible.
Let me give you an example and show you what I mean. I have shared this scenario in previous podcasts but will give it to you again because it proves my point about the need for safe people.
My wife is the main bread winner of our family. She has been for the better part of our 32 years of marriage. As a man, this can be a real challenge to who I am suppose to be. We didn't go down this path lightly. Barbara and I have spent many, many hours of prayer over this issue. God has continued to show us this is the path He has us on - so that's the direction we continued to go after.
I wish I could tell you God had the last word on this subject. Time and time again, either Barbara or I would come to a place you might call a crisis of faith. We would doubt that we were doing things "right." It was during one of those times when I was left questioning God's plan when I confided in some godly people at my church about my situation.
I hope you know how hard that was for me to do. To admit that I wasn't in a position to be able to support my growing family is not an easy thing for any man to do. By opening up, I was looking for affirmation that we were on the right path. Here's where the difference between safe and unsafe people really came into play.
A few of the people I met with came back to me with truth from the Bible. They reminded me that God's plan was for man to be the provider. They were quick to remind me that my wife and I were going against God's plan by not having me be the bread winner of our family. It was alluded that God's blessing just couldn't remain on me and my family if I chose to ignore God's truth from His word.
Now I was in a real quandary. Not only was I suffering a crisis of faith, apparently my decisions were dooming me and my family to a life absent of the blessing of God. Can you hear the victim thinking coming out of that last sentence? Where did that victim thinking come from? It came from the godly counsel of well meaning but unsafe people. What that counsel did for me was to drive me underground. It wasn't that I was looking for these people to simply confirm the direction my life took. It was that they seemed to be trying to fix me that really made them unsafe to me.
Though their intentions were nothing but honorable, I felt shamed and isolated. They didn't take time to listen to how much Barbara and I had sought for God's direction over the years. They didn't stop to ask about my upbringing that might have played into the crisis of faith I was suffering. They seemed more interested in making sure God's word was upheld at the expense of my suffering soul. Counsel based strictly on the black and white of what God might be saying isn't a safe way of helping anyone when they need help. God doesn't seem to do things that way, why should we choose to counsel in ways that are unsafe?
Because I walked away from those relationships thinking that it was unsafe to share challenging times with people, especially church people, I put myself exactly where Satan loves followers of Jesus to be. It is when we isolate that hope for change gets eliminated from our lives. Fact is that we need God in order for change to happen in our lives. God is a safe person all the time. Problem is that we also need people in order for change to happen. People aren't always all that safe. I think things need to change on the people side of the equation.
Our Bible reading today highlights the need to be a safe person to those around us. Check it out with me now.
Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Galatians 6:2-3 (MSG)
My friends who were using scripture to point out the obvious to me didn't do a thing to help carry this burden. They seemed more interested in getting credit for fixing my burden with God's Word. It isn't safe when we have motives that come from places other than God's leading. Our reading today seems to be saying that God is more interested in relationship than He is in results when it comes to obedience. I think that is how we, too should be focused as we are drawn into places where one person is sharing their burdens with another.
This doesn't mean that we are to ignore sinful ways in a person's life. It does mean that we are to seek God in how we are to be a part of carrying that person's burden that might be driving them into sinful practices. For most of us in the Church, that is an assignment that is too messy and time consuming for us to consider. It is so much easier to just give godly advise and move on. Being a safe person isn't always nice and neat. Being safe takes time. That's why finding safe people is a challenge sometimes, even in the Church. That needs to change.
That last statement isn't there to guilt you into anything. If I'm using guilt to get you to do something, I'm being unsafe once again. I'm a prime example that things can change. I'm one of those people who wanted to be the dispenser of quick fixes when it came to carrying another person's burdens. Fact is that I have too many burdens of my own to carry yours too! In the past, I was way too quick to give you fast answers to hard questions because I simply didn't have the time needed to really understand, or even care, what you were going through.
That has changed in my life. It is my deep desire to be a safe person. Why? Because God has shown me how safe He has been in my slowness to change. That fact has altered my perspective on what love can really look like. That has changed my view of God and I want to be a part of helping others see God in that light more.
All I know is that I need safe people in my life. God isn't enough. Shocking as that last statement is, I believe it is as godly as anything else I have presented in this podcast, including our Bible reading today. God isn't enough when it comes to our lives being different. We need each other. More than that, we need safe versions of each other.
Stay with me over the next couple of days and learn more about what it means to be safe in another person's life. In the meantime, think about what a safe person would look like in your life. Rejoice for those people you find safe. Keep them close. Open up to them. Let them carry your burdens with you. That's the only way I know that can work to keep us empowered by our victor status in this world that wants us so over burdened that we are no earthly good. We change that possibility by finding and being safe people who are willing to let God flow through them in world changing ways.
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