Thoughts that have come from various quotes taken from the book, "Victor - Breaking Free From a Victim Based Society" by John H. Hovis. Click here to link directly to the audio file.
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"Telling someone that they need to move on before it is their time can be such a damaging piece of advice. Talk about victimizing someone, telling a person that they “just need to get over it” is one of the most hurtful statements we can make if it is not yet time for that person to move from where they are to where they will eventually be."
As quoted from the book "Victor - Breaking Free From a Victim-Based Society" by John H. Hovis Page 142.
Next time the words - "just get over it", or anything like them, come to mind, please take time to consider whether you should really say them to that person or not. I am well aware that there are times when people need to be helped move forward from where they are right now. We all get to places where we get stuck from time to time. Words like "just get over it" might be the exact right thing to say at that time in a person's life. The reality is that those exact same words might be the death nail in a person's ability to cope if shared at the wrong time.
You see, we have to be so careful of the words we choose when we are in a person's life. The world is so good at bringing condemnation into our lives. Telling someone that they need to "just get over it" can be so condemning if spoken at the wrong time. What that person hears when you tell them to get over it at the wrong time is that they just don't measure up. We are in essence saying to them, not only are your circumstance really bad, but your too are just as bad for not being able to move on like it appears everyone else is able to do.
When challenging times hit, what we need are friends who will be inspired to act. Sometime that inspired action is sitting there and doing nothing as the friend, dealing with bad times, mourns the losses that have come against them. Sure there's potential for that person to get stuck in the mourning process. I have seen time and time again that people in mourning have an amazing ability to instinctively know when it is time to get up and get moving again. For the most part, they really don't need me or you telling them that they need to just get over it.
Most of the Book of Job in the Bible is a story of how not to be a friend. As you may remember, Job came into some horrific circumstances at the hand of Satan himself. All His kids were killed in one terrible accident. All His riches were stolen in one day. Even Job's health was taken from Him all in one fell swoop. How this man was able to function in such dire circumstances is way beyond my comprehension.
When Job's friends heard of his situation, they came running to his side. Check out today's Bible reading with me now.
When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. Job 2:11-13 (NLT)
At first, these three friends looked to be exactly what Job needed. They left their homes, their families, their jobs, their responsibilities and sat with Job in silence for seven days! Now, that's dedication for sure! Score one for Job's friends.
But, then things changed. Maybe it was the pressure of their homes and their families and their jobs and their responsibilities that made them take a turn with Job. Whatever it was, each of the friends tried, in their own ways, to get Job to "just get over it." Chapter after chapter of this book described hard and painful discussions between Job's friends and Job about what was the cause of all these calamities. All this discussion did was to drive Job deeper and deeper into despair. Not only did it appear His God had abandoned Him, now all His friends seemed to be saying all this mess was actually Job's fault in the first place.
That's what "just get over it" does when those words are spoken too soon. It makes us feel isolated and abandoned. It makes us feel less than capable and maybe even a little bit worthy of all the badness that has come our way. It short changes the mourning process and that is a victim thinking strategy that we all must avoid at all costs.
You see, Job wasn't stuck - he was just mourning. That mourning process was interfering with his friend's timetable for what they had to get done. It is so easy to overstep our bounds when someone is in mourning as we let our timing be what drives the process for someone else. Job's friends actually became victimizers in their own right as they applied this strategy with Job.
That's why I said earlier that we need to be inspired when we are tempted to use words like "just get over it." Those words had better be coming from a place of divine direction rather than human convenience or the result will be greater and greater victimization and victim thinking.
People who are hurting need other people in their lives. Relationships have the power to do amazing miracles in the lives of those facing challenging times. What those hurting people don't need are relationships, bent on fixing the personal problems that have resulted from the bad times they have come across. God doesn't do that to you, why would you do that with someone else who is in a position of pain?
If you have been brought into the life of a person who is hurting today, do this, PRAY! Ask God for His direction on how you can best be a friend to that person before you. Don't give quick answers - even quick Biblical answers. Those words can be like slaps across the face. God wants you there for a reason. He wants you to find that reason from Him. It is when we come into contact with our God in situations where other Children of His are being ministered to by our presence that the power of our victor status really comes into play. Let God lead as you reach out to bring His comfort to a hurting world that is all within your reach today.
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