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"I’m starting to believe that our dealing with the question, “Why?” is part of a mourning process that we all have to go through when we face bad times. Mourning is all about dealing with a loss."
As quoted from the book "Victor - Breaking Free From a Victim-Based Society" by John H. Hovis Page 140.
It is only natural for us to want to know the "Why" when bad things come our way. I have found that my drive to find the answers that sometimes just don't exist are part of my way of dealing with a loss in my life. Mourning is a natural process that we all go through when loss occurs. When anything comes against our good and comfortable life loss is exactly what happens. I believe that we are wired to mourn any losses in our life, including the loss of the comfortable life we have worked so hard to maintain.
It is the perceived and real losses in life that make victims of us all and threaten to lock us in the throws of victim thinking at times. It is only natural to want to come to a logical conclusion as to why these bad things are happening in the first place. When we fail to get the answer to the question "Why" surrounding challenging times, our status as a victor can be challenged the most. It is through the mourning process that the transition from victim to victor can be possible. Let's take a quick look at the mourning process as it relates to our status as a victor.
The Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, postulated that there are five stages to the mourning process. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Each of these five stages points out some interesting aspects of the process we find ourselves on as we move from victim to victor that I think we should investigate closer.
Denial - this is one of the most powerful aspects of victim thinking that threatens our victor status.
Denial, when it comes to mourning, happens as we feel the overwhelm of the badness of our situation. It makes us feel like the world has no meaning - that our very lives are a waste. There is a numbness in all we do. Although we still are able to function, we feel we have lost our spark and others see that in us as well. Denial helps us keep our feelings in check. It gives us a way to feel some level of control in a situation that is completely out of control.
Anger - Where the first stage of mourning allowed us to sweep our feelings under the carpet so we could cope, Anger happens when the dam of those backed up feelings break. We weren't made to suppress feelings - they are meant to be out in the open. Anger happens as a result of those suppressed feelings from the Denial stage exploding out into the light. The longer the Denial stage the more explosive the Anger stage might be. The transition from Denial to Anger is a perfect example of how victims can become victimizers. Things can be said and done by the victim of loss that help to make victims out of those around them as the Anger stage develops in the mourning process.
Bargaining - This is a really dangerous stage for those of us trying to live out our status of a victor. In the Bargaining stage we deal with the question of "What if". Guilt is often the byproduct of dealing with the "What ifs" of our bad situation. In the Bargaining stage we go over and over all the scenarios of what happened. It is easy to second guess our choices and find fault in ourselves for ALL the badness that we are experiencing. Guilt left long enough turns to shame. Shame is the hallmark of a someone caught in victim thinking.
Depression - Depression might manifest itself as a general malaise. Everything in life might seem dull and foggy. We tend to withdraw from life and just need to be alone in the depression stage. All of this is totally natural and must be experienced when a loss occurs. Depression follows Bargaining due to the fact that we start to realize that all our best efforts might not have been enough to stop the badness from happening in the first place. Depression is a natural result when loss of control has to be dealt with in ways that we simply don't want in our lives. Depression isn't a sign of weakness - it is ultimately a sign of healing and can lead to the next and final step of the mourning process.
Acceptance - Acceptance has nothing to do with the coming to a place where what happened to us is OK. The badness that comes against us isn't OK! Acceptance is all about being able to move forward. It is being able to deal with the badness in a way that can actually help us in the future be more powerful and productive victors in this world. We still feel the pain of what happened to us and we still dream of our old life being back in its full glory. All Acceptance does for us is let us move on with our lives.
The process of mourning is such an interesting process to consider. As for timing with each of the steps of the mourning process, there is no right and wrong time table. In fact, I'm finding that I might go through all five steps in an instant when the loss I'm experiencing is something that isn't all that profound. I might be just a prone to be in Denial, get Angry, begin Bargaining, feel Depressed and finally Accept the situation when something as simple as spilling a glass of milk happens in my life. We must realize that spilling that milk is a loss just as much as the death of a loved one is. The impact and implications of those two losses are vastly different but they both are losses that we have to deal with or our victor status will be hard to feel at times.
Today's Bible versed deals with the ultimate in going through the mourning process. It says...
You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. Matthew 5:4 (MSG)
That's the place we go when we are forced to deal with the "Why" when bad times come our way. We are forced to come face to face with the fact that we have been dealt a loss to something that we found very dear in our lives. It is my opinion that God isn't the originator of that loss. This evil world is what made that loss happen.
The promise from today's Bible reading is so important for the victor to grab and hang onto. Our losses count in the heavenly realm. If nothing more, the losses that we experience make it possible for us to be embraced by this God that loves us so. We have the chance to be drawn nearer to the heavenly life now that we will experience for all eternity sometime down the road. As losses come into our lives we get closer to living a heavenly life than we will ever be able to experience when things are going our way.
This fact doesn't make the pain any less. It can, however, be the power behind us moving through the mourning process in a God encountering and God empowered way.
Loss isn't something the victor looks forward to. Trying to make loss something that we will never experience is nothing short of victim thinking taking over in our lives that guarantees we will find it hard to live out our status as a victor. The victor's job isn't to work to eliminate loss. It is to make loss be what God uses as another role in life that changes this world in ways that can only be described as Biblical.
As you go through your day today, consider how you are being taken through the mourning process. As you progress know that God goes with you every step of the way. Your status as a victor is assured even when things come against you in ways that make you ever doubt that victory will be yours. Know that God's Love for you is what will ultimately be the goal when Acceptance is reached in that loss you faced. You are His Child and He sees you as a complete and overwhelming victor in this world.
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